Last night I was going through some old emails from the summer. The end of this summer really bummed me out. Like some kinds of animals do before natural disasters happen, I had sensed it was coming in this weird, primal, all-consuming terror way. I was dreading another New England winter and plotting my escape but all of the alternatives I came up with kind of sucked (Texas???) and what I actually ended up doing sucked beyond belief.

I said this before, and I'll copy and paste it and say it again:

31 August 2010
Changing is hard though. Sometimes it’s like one step forward, two steps back. But I don’t regret it so much though now, all that time being miserable and hoping it would get better. As if I could find the exact point where it started to go wrong and go back and change it. (In technical terms, this is called “magical thinking”). For all that, I came to the conclusion that: Some people need to go through their own hell and journey to their outer limits (mentally, spiritually, physically, geographically) in order to come out on the other side. I’m like that.

I said this before and I guess I've already said what I meant to say long ago. I guess that was my dramatic send off of sorts. A pretty good one. Romantic, almost. You'd be surprised how boys are into that, really. It's kinda gross.

I also said this before the hell that was... Jeez. Ok, I've sat here for a few minutes now and weeks longer than that and you know what? There's really no fantastic, magical, nice way to spin it. At least I've already accomplished several major New Years goals but I wish I hadn't gone about it so...hard I guess. I'm doing a hell of a lot better now that I don't feel like the David After Dentist kid all the time anymore -- "Is this real life??? Is this gonna be forever??????" Imagine, working like that. It was absurd really. And kind of a funny distraction because I knew I was going to quit anyway. I liked it when the bartender I worked with most nights would remind me to keep a 'positive mental attitude' and I was thinking to myself 'I literally am not capable of that right now, but I'll keep it in mind.' Difference is this time I didn't resist it and just sort of nodded my head and went along with it.





It's happening though. It's gone slowly though, much slower than I thought it would.

And ok, from here on out, here's a new resolution: less negativity, more positive vibes.